Q: What do you
call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde
braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you
brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a
douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you
call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial
intelligence.
Q: How does a
blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of
scissoring legs apart)
Q: Why do blondes
wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's
where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn't
the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just
dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't
the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just
blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes
wear their hair up?
A: To catch as
much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good
to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park
in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blonde
like a turtle?
A: They both get
fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: How do you
make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight
in their ear.
Q: Why should
blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too
long to retrain them.
Q: How can you
tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out
on the screen.
Q: How can you
tell the blonde has returned to the computer she was using?
A: There's writing
on the white-out.
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have
to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde
and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know
how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What did the
blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't
like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: Why do blondes
wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking
of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you
kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes
in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes
pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks
in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes
eat Jello?
A: They can't
figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you
call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can
eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes
eat pickles?
A: Because they
can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes
eat bananas?
A: They can't
find the zipper.
Q: Why do blondes
wear hoop earings?
A: They have to
have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does a
blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do blondes
wear green lipstick?
A: Because red
means stop.
Q: Why do blondes
wear red lipstick?
A: Because red
means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you
tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick
on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't blondes
use vibrators?
A: They chip their
teeth.
Q: Why do blondes
wear underwear?
A: They make good
ankle warmers.
Q: What do blondes
do for foreplay?
A: Remove their
underwear.
Q: What's the
mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo*
drunk!"
Q: What is the
mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming)
"I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the
mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes
have gone home!"
Q: What's a brunette's
mating call ?
A: Has that blonde
gone yet?
Q: What's the
mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: Why do Blondes
like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they
can spell it.
Q: What is 74
to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do Blondes
have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in
first.
Q: Why do Blondes
have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in
front.
Q: What do you
say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another
beer."
Q: What do blondes
do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their
lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the
first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces
themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does a
blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.
Q: How does a
blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.
Q: What's the
first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car
door.
Q: How do blondes
turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the
car door.
Q: Why do blondes
like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes
drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What is the
worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Blondes
say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys
all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys
all play for the Swans?
Q: What important
question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want
this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: What does a
blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for
the refill!"
Q: What is it
called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes
have more fun?
A: Because they
don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes
does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a
lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds
the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to
hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
A4: None. They
can't fit.
A5: Six, Five
to look at the problem and go "Duh?" and one to call her boyfriend to do
it.
A6: 10, One to
change the bulb and the other nine to make T-shirts.
Q: What's a blonde's
favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I
want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What does a
peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both
have a black box.
A2: Both have
a cockpit.
Q: What is the
difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone
has been in a 747
Q: What does a
dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you
sure it's mine?
Q: What did the
blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure
it's mine?"
Q: How do you
get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her
shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you
get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's
pregnant.
Q: What will she
ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: Santa Claus,
the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the
street when they
spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde!
because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart
blonde.
Q: Why did the
blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what
was on the other side.
Q: What do you
do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin
and throw it back.
Q: Why do Blondes
take the pill?
A: So they know
what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the
blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it
kept falling out.
Q: But why do
brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why did the
blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her
boyfriend was also blond!
Q: If a blonde
and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette.
The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens
when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes
up!
Q: Whats the difference
between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend
the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the
difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult
to spread.
Q: What is the
difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only
get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What is the
difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how
many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the
difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has
been spotted.
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30
cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde
has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody
has been in a limo.
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch
a cunning runts ...
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let
your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still
sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the
difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate
with a terrorist.
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult
to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What do blondes
and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get
easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a
screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you
bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a
blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both
empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds
and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle
when you eat them.
Q: What do peroxide
blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have
black roots.
Q: Why did the
deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could
lip read.
Q: How do you
drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror
at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you
drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell
her to swallow.
Q: Why did the
blonde chick drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left
a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why do blonds
have square boobs?
A: Because they
forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: How many blondes
does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to
mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one
to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What job function
does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know
why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing
out the W's.
Q: How do you
tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes
are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: What did the
blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A: If you're not
in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What's the
Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde,
I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea
yea..."
Q: Why does a
blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it
says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How did the
blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it
off a cliff.
Q: Why did the
blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on
the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you
say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: How does a
blonde high-5?
A: She smacks
herself in the forehead.
Q: Why aren't
there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when
they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why do blondes
have legs?
A1: So they don't
get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between
the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't
leave trails, like little snails.
Q: Why did the
blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her
that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Q: What is the
irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A: The Blonde!
Q: How do you
describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: Why do blondes
always die before help arrives?
A: They always
forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
Q: What did the
blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've
been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What do you
call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you
call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you
call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you
call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you
call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck
All...
Q: What do you
call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you
call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you
call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's
hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you
call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you
call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you
call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.
Q: How does a
blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted
by a period.
Q: What did the
blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut
seeds!"
Q: Why do blonds
have two more brain cells than a cow ?
A: So they don't
shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
Q: Why don't blonds
breast feed?
A: Because they
always burn their nipples.
Q: Why do blondes
put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up
the valve stem.
Q: What did the
blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds'
favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you
see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of
her head.
Q: Why do blondes
drive VW's
A: Because they
can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: How do you
make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a
joke on Friday night !
Q: Why did God
create blondes?
A: Because sheep
can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why do blondes
have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know
if it is morning or afternoon.
Q: Whats black
and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician
Q: Why are dumb
blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes
can remember them.
A2: Because blonds
are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why wasn't
the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldn't
have been old enough to bear children!
Q: Why are blondes
hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people
keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why did the
blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she
gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: What did the
blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around
for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why do blondes
have periods?
A: They deserve
them.
Q: What did the
blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just
_love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Why are blondes
like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're
simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: How do you
know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M
shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you
drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a
bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Q: What do you
get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: Why was the
blonde depressed when she received her driver's license?
A: Because she
got an F in sex.
Q: What do you
call a brunette and four blondes standing on a street corner?
A: Regular price,
4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks!
Q: What do you
call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends
and a wide receiver.
Q: What do you
call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4
f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
Q: What's the
difference between a blond and a shopping cart.
A: A shopping
cart has a mind of it's own.
Q: What do you
call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: How would a
blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period
fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q: How can you
tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the
one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What goes VROOM,
SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going
through a flashing red light.
Q: What does a
blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's
off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What is the
difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York ?
A: The Grand Old
Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men !
Q: What's a blonde's
favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why aren't
BLONDES good cattle herders?
A: Because the
can't even keep two calves together!
Q: Why do blondes
tattoo their zipcode under their belly button?
A: So they can
get the male into the right box.
Q: What do blondes
and cow chips have in common?
A: The older they
get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What do you
call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why did the
blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could
keep the refrigerator cold!
Q: How did the
dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out
of the tree.
Q: What do you
call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag
Q: Why did the
blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind
that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
Q: Why did the
blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized
she had given her last blowjob.
Q: What can strike
a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: Why is a blonde
like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip
when they're fucked.
Q: Why is a washing
machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you
can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around
for a week.
Q: What is the
difference between a blondes legs and cold butter?
A: Cold butter
is difficult to spread.
Q: What do a blonde
and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got
fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who
the ten men were.
Q: Why did they
call the blond "Twinkie"?
A: She was always
being filled with cream.
Blondes... They take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin!
A blonde
was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead.
Suddenly, the bird
drops a
load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had
my mouth open, or that
would've hit me right in the face!!!"
Did you hear
about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at
a drive-in movie
theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
There were
three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natel checkups The
doctor asked the first
woman "in
what position was the baby concieved ?" "He was on top ", she replyed.
"You will have a boy !"
the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. "
said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst
into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have
puppies ?".....
Did you hear
about the blonde who: had more on her body than on her mind? was called
"Sanka" because
she had
no active ingredient in the bean? took an hour to cook Minute Rice? got
into the taxi, and the driver
kept the "Vacant" sign up? was an M.D.
- Mentally Deficient? had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? brought her cosmetics
with her for a make-up exam?
Did you here
about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It
finally dawned on
here.
A blonde
was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said
"DISNEYLAND
LEFT". After
thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around
an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past
another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the
time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned
43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette
and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww,
look at the dead
birdie".
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman
pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way
street. Cop: Do
you know
where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause
all the people were
leaving.
A cop stops
a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's
licence
please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture
on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?" "What's
that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop
then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no,
not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby: As
a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the
ironing lady. Blonde
Wife: Well
if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
A blonde
and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I
had *three* orgasms in a
row! Blonde:
That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had
no idea he was that
good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you
mean with one guy.
Three blondes
are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help.
We're three
blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light
up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder
around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was...
There were
three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette looked
over the
water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
"I'm going to try
to swim to shore." So she swam out five
miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
it. I guess it's better to try to get to
the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The
redhead had a lot more endurance than the
brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15
miles, she was too tired to go on, so she
drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder
if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam
out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN
miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm
too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
This blonde
and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her
boyfriend, "Is it true that
if you pull
you finger out, I'll sink?"
Two blondes
were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look
at the deer
tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf
tracks." "No. Those are
deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing,
and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
The blonde
came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the
blonde said her
boyfriend
had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded
to tell her about the
birds and the bees and the blonde said:
"No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't
cook"
Two blondes
observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with
a coat hanger.
Blonde1: I can't seem to get this door
unlocked!
Blonde2: Well, you'd better hurry up and
try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Q: HOW DO YOU CONFUSE A BLONDE?
A: LOCK HER IN A ROUND ROOM AND TELL HER
TO SIT IN THE CORNER.